My Darkest Secret

By Panrit “Gor” Daoruang

I think it’s now time for me to tell you my darkest secret. But, you have to promise me first that after you read it, you won’t change how you feel about me. I really don’t want to tell you about it because it isn’t a good thing to say out loud. But, after I have been thinking very hard about it for so long, I have decided it is important for teenagers to learn from my mistake.

When I was 15, I became a “drug addict”. Yes I know. You are probably wondering how a grade A student from a good family could have done something so stupid. Well, listen and I will tell you.

It all started during the summer holidays two years ago. We had just finished grade 9 and my friends went to my house to have a little party. We drank some whisky and talked about the past three years. While we were chatting, a couple of my friends came up to me and asked to go up to my bedroom. So, I excused myself from drinking and led them upstairs.

I opened my bedroom door for them and they walked in and sat on the floor. Then one of them (I will call him “A”) took a pack of cigarettes out and broke it open neatly and handed the paper wrapper to my other friend (I will call him “B”). B picked it up and started to roll it while A was tearing out the silver foil from inside the cigarette pack.

Then B put his hand down his underwear and pulled out a very short plastic straw that had been sealed at both ends. It looked like there was something stuck inside. B melted one end of the straw with his lighter. He then shook the straw and something dropped out.

I took a closer look and soon realised that it was two red pills. Also I saw that there were two English letters, “WY”, written on the pills. At the time, I remembered that I had seen this kind of medicine somewhere before and I was trying to think where.

While I thought about it, A was putting one pill into the silver foil that he had made into a shape like a boat. B gave him the rolled up piece of paper and he put one end into his mouth. Then A used the lighter to heat the silver foil. The little red pill slowly became black liquid and it started to smoke. He then inhaled the smoke through the straw before passing both the silver foil and the lighter to B.

After I saw how A sat and what he did, I remembered about where I had seen the pills before. I had seen them in a poster at school; an anti-drug poster. It is the poster that nearly every school would have to frighten their students away from drugs. This little red pill is called “Yaa Bah” (amphetamine) which means “crazy medicine” in English. This kind of drug is the most popular one for teenagers in schools.

I was feeling a bit shocked at that moment. I had never thought that any of my friends would take drugs in front of me. I kept saying to myself in my mind again and again, “two of my friends are taking drugs in front of me”. At first I was feeling a bit scared of them. But then, I started thinking about trying some. I know my teachers had said that it was bad thing to do, but I didn’t understand why it looked like my friends were having a good time. I was curious.

So, I asked them if I could try. At first they wouldn’t let me. I started getting angry with them. I remember now saying to them something like, “Don’t be stupid, I can control it. I won’t get addicted. Believe me”. They hesitated for a few seconds and then passed me the boat shaped silver foil.

I was hesitating a bit about whether to take the drugs or not. It was like my two minds were fighting with each other. But really, it looked like the bad one was having more chance to score and solve my curiosity. Such as: What is the taste going to be like? Why do they have to take it? Why do teachers say that it isn’t good to take, but my friends say that it makes them feel better?

Finally, I inhaled some of the smoke. I didn’t take much because I didn’t really like the bitter taste. I handed the paper straw back to my friends. I wanted to go back downstairs, but they said it was better if we go down together. A few minutes later, they had finished taking drugs and were clearing everything up from the floor. After making sure that everything was OK, we walked downstairs to join our friends.

The party finished only half an hour before my dad was due to come back home. I quickly cleaned up and then went up to my bedroom to have a nap. When I was halfway up the stairs, I smelled something like chocolate. I sniffed around and noticed that every step I walked closer to my bedroom door, the stronger the chocolate smell became. I then realised that it was the smell of Yaa Bah. I quickly went into the room and got my body spray out to spray it around upstairs. Then I came back to my room and lay down on my bed. I slept straight away as soon as my head touched the pillow.

After that day, I didn’t plan to take any more drugs because all of my curiosity had already been satisfied. I thought that was it — but really it wasn’t. Not long after the graduation day party, some of my friends came over to my house to visit me. We played cards for a while then I got bored so I looked for something else which was more fun to do. So, I gave one of my friends some money and told him to go out to buy some Yaa Bah for me to take.

I really don’t know what I was thinking on that day. Maybe it’s all because I found it as a new thing to do, like a kid with a new toy. I was positive that I was in control. So, I thought that a couple of times more would not make any difference.

I also remember watching an anti-drug advert on TV that day. I said out loud to my friends, “Why does everyone keep saying don’t even think about trying it, it will kill you or something like that? I don’t think it is that easy to get addicted to drugs. Take me for example. I have tried it once but I am not addicted to drugs.”

Well, I am now regretting those words. I didn’t know then, but I had already become a drug addict as soon as I told my friend to go and buy drugs for me. It was really stupid of me. I don’t want to blame my friends, as it was my decision. But, the truth is, if my friends didn’t start taking drugs first then I wouldn’t have been tempted to try. Maybe if I had a different group of friends back then, I would still be at school now.

For the remainder of the summer holidays, my world moved around drugs. All I thought about was where I could find the money to buy more drugs. It changed me completely. I am now very embarrassed about some of the things I did during the following months. But, I want to tell you because I think it is important for you not to be tempted to ever take drugs.

Come back next week to find out how it changed me to be a very different person and what are the consequences I now have to live with. Don’t miss it, I am warning you!

Next: A Dangerous Time