"I have been following your online life in Thailand for about two years now. Your latest diary updates are quite shocking. It is one thing reading about this kind of thing in the newspaper but another to see it happening to someone you know." - James

Starting was the Easy Part

DATE: Monday 25th June 2001 (1 day later)

GOR: I know, I know. You don't need to say anything.

QUESTION: I didn't think you were coming to work today. It is 10 p.m. We were about to go. I can see from your bloodshot eyes that you have been taking drugs.

GOR: This morning too. I was really tired and I needed the pills to keep me awake at school. You are angry aren't you?

QUESTION: To be honest with you I don't know what to say anymore. I think maybe I am the wrong person for the job of helping you. Maybe I am saying and doing all the wrong things.

GOR: (shakes his head and starts to cry)

QUESTION: I think you will have to find someone else to help you.

GOR: (crying) I have no-one else. I only have you to help me.

QUESTION: I think we should speak with your parents tonight and see about taking you to a drug rehab.

GOR: (shakes his head more frantically)

QUESTION: What can we do then? At the moment I don't think we are getting anywhere.

GOR: Give me more time. Trust me. You promised me remember? You said that you would always be there for me if I asked. You can't quit. I am asking for help now.

QUESTION: OK. We'll see how this week goes. Do you want me to ring your mum and say that you are with me?

GOR: (nods) Can we go to the petrol station? I really need a cigarette.

DATE: Thursday 28th June 2001 (3 days later)

GOR: I have some good news. Today at school one of my friends had one pill. He wanted to share half with me. So, we went into the toilet at the back of the school. I did the silver foil for him and got everything ready. Then, he started to take it and asked me to do it too. I didn't take it. I stopped myself from taking it. He took all the pill by himself. I am very proud that I could stop myself. Then we went to City Hall with some of our friends to play football. After a while, two of my friends, Gai and Golf went off to buy 10 pills. They were a long time. We thought they had been caught by the police. So, we went to Golf's house and waited for them there for another half an hour. When they arrived, the five of us went up to his bedroom. They then started to take one pill each. I didn't ask for any. I just sat down there and started to read my Harry Potter book. Inside me I felt like I really wanted it, but I stopped myself. I kept on reading. But, I could smell it. So, I went to sit by the window and kept reading Harry Potter. All of them kept asking me if I wanted some. They were trying to be kind to me as I didn't pay for any of the drugs. Finally they finished. I felt really bad inside as I really wanted to take it. But I didn't. I then went up onto the roof to have a cigarette. When I came back down, Pete said he wanted to take some more. Sach said he was going away on a school camp tomorrow and wanted to buy some more too. None of them could go and buy it. Only I could go.

QUESTION: I don't understand why did you have to go?

GOR: Where they bought it was too far. I knew a place not far away. So, they gave me the money and I went to buy five pills for them. I came back in less than five minutes. When I got back Sach had to make the silver foil for Pete. He didn't know how to do it properly. It was funny. He takes drugs, why can't he do the silver foil by himself? Pete said he only wanted two for himself so he gave one to me. I said I didn't want it and tried to give it back to him. He said that if I didn't want it then I should sell it or give it to one of my friends. So, in that mood, it was there in front of me and the silver foil too. So, I started to smoke it. After I inhaled it for the third time I got angry with myself and stopped myself from taking any more. There was more than half left so I gave it to my other friends to finish. Then I sat down and carried on reading Harry Potter.

QUESTION: Well, that is certainly an improvement on last time. Well done. How long did all of this go on for? What I mean is that for how long were you being tempted to take the drugs?

GOR: I stopped myself for nearly four hours. Then a few seconds I stopped thinking and I inhaled three times. Then I gave it to Gai and Golf.

QUESTION: I thought you said to me the other day that Gai was going to quit taking drugs?

GOR: Yes, but he said that hundreds of times before. No-one believes him anymore.

QUESTION: So, who is the strongest of your group?

GOR: I am!

QUESTION: Are you proud of that?

GOR: Yes. Because usually when the others were taking it I would too. But this time I kept stopping myself. I was stronger. You know what, when I am talking to you now I am thinking about taking it.

QUESTION: Are they still taking it now?

GOR: Two of them are still at Golf's house.

QUESTION: So, if you didn't come here tonight to work on your web site you would still be with your friends?

GOR: Yes.

QUESTION: Can you try and tell me how difficult it was for you to stop yourself halfway through taking drugs?

GOR: If you gave me the choice between not taking it or taking it a little I would choose not take it for sure. Because, if I took it a little and it wasn't enough I would feel crazy or mad. It is like if you want to sleep a lot. But you only sleep for five or ten minutes before someone wakes you up. You will be moody for sure. If you can then go back to sleep then you will be alright. That is what it was like with me tonight. It was very difficult for me to only take a little and then stop before I had finished.

QUESTION: How long ago did all this happen?

GOR: About an hour.

QUESTION: How does your body feel now?

GOR: I am not sure. But I need to buy some cigarettes soon. Then when I get back home I will take a shower and try to sleep straight away. If not, for sure I will think about going out to Gulf's house for some drugs.

QUESTION: Do you think you can control yourself tonight?

GOR: (pauses a long time) I think so. I did today!

QUESTION: Yes, that was amazing. Look, let's make it a condition that if you go out tonight you have to ring me first. That will make it harder for you to make that decision.

GOR: OK.

QUESTION: I think the big test for you will be this weekend. You will be with your friends. Will you be able to stop yourself the whole time?

GOR: I think it will be a big match between myself and amphetamine and my friends.

DATE: 11.30 p.m. (3 hours later)

(Gor is chain smoking outside a convenience store near his house. He is moody and irritable and has started to shake uncontrollably.)

GOR: This is bad. Really bad. I really want to take some drugs now.

QUESTION: Do you want me to ring your parents?

GOR: (nods)

QUESTION: If I take you home now will you sneak out tonight?

GOR: (no answer)

QUESTION: Can you give me your house keys?

GOR: (nods)

DATE: Friday 29th June 2001 (1 day later)

QUESTION: What happened to you last night?

GOR: I felt really bad. I needed to take drugs. That means I didn't take enough. At home I told my mum the story. I told her everything. I told her that I wanted to be a little drunk so that I could sleep easily. She asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said yes. Then she brought me up a glass of whiskey and some cigarettes as well. I talked to her for a while. My mum gave me an amulet to protect me and to remind myself to quit taking drugs. She said to me to be strong. Then I went to sleep. It was easy to sleep. In the morning when I woke up I didn't need drugs or anything.

QUESTION: What about your father?

GOR: He didn't say anything. He just acted like nothing happened.

QUESTION: What do you think that meant?

GOR: Maybe he wanted to make it look like normal. That is good. He didn't make me feel bad. Nothing like that. It is just like normal. That is good.

QUESTION: OK. What happened tonight? You obviously went to your friends as you came here so late.

GOR: (smiling) Yes, I was Superman! I just sat there watching them take drugs. I just wanted to know if I could stop myself and yes I did. I was strong. I didn't take any. The amulet and what my mum said last night helped me a lot. Also Harry Potter!

QUESTION: Tomorrow is the weekend. Are you ready for your biggest battle?

GOR: Yes, I think I am now. More than before.

QUESTION: I wish you luck. Are you planning to come and work on your web site tomorrow.

GOR: Yes I will.

QUESTION: OK. Don't forget the agreement we have. If something happens and you decide not to come you must ring me.